I felt emptied

This chapter is a dialogical exploration into the existential feeling of emptiness – a feeling that unfolded during an encounter on the streets of Limburg, where the boundaries between Belgium and the Netherlands blur. In this chapter, exploring the existential feeling of emptiness contributes towards a process of finding voice amidst unsettling encounters. The work of finding voice is part of the political onto-epistemological act of languaging as a Black Woman out of a landscape where my voice has patternly been disregarded. This is a delicate endeavour, requiring attentive methodological effort. Part of this chapter’s work is to avoid covering over the encounter and instead come towards speaking from the phenomenon itself. “I felt emptied”, the mode of givenness of feelings, serves as a waypoint into the encounter. This chapter commences by drawing attention to the fundamental nature of this work. Following, the exploration confronts hesitancy and grapples with the feeling of scaredness that accompanies the task of revisiting this encounter. Further exploration into the feeling of emptiness leads me to delve into the notion of double consciousness and its manifestation as a violent rupture of my self from my self. I draw from Audre Lorde’s poignant sound to “touch the terror” as I confront this painful separation. Martin Heidegger’s notion of falling takes on a haunting weight as I plunge into the abyss, feeling a profound disconnection from my being. The weight of this fallenness is attributed to the markings inscribed over my body, markings that, as Frantz Fanon reminds, preceded my arrival. The weighted fall leaves me adrift – where I find my self missing.